The Holidays

From Twisted Sisters new Christmas CD:


A Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."

Ha, Ha, Ha!


Christmas Math (I got this through e-mail):

There are approximately 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Jehovah's Witnesses, orBuddhistt religions, this reduces the workload on Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with at least one good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, jump out, go down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump in the sleigh, and move on to the next house. (That's why it's really pointless to stay up and wait for him.)

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom breaks. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 75.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child has nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull nothing more than 300 pounds. Even granted that flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or nine of them; Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the sleigh itself, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of thElizabethlizibeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance; this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and causing deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.2 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound Santa (which seem ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pound of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas


RIP To The Godfather

Tis The Season...

I wasn't sure which of these two images best described what the holiday season has become so I posted them both. I think they are both genius in their simplicity. Perhaps the one on the right is more true than the one on the left, but they are both pretty good.

Not too much new with me personally, but I have a couple of rants to go on. I also found a pretty funny video that combines Star Trek and Nine Inch Nails. It is offensive in language, so be sure that there is not any impressionable youth in the room when you play it.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

First off I would like to personally thank the world for not subjecting me to the debate on whether it should be the Holiday Tree or the Christmas Tree. 8 days in and I haven't heard a thing. Perhaps we have all finally gotten over it.

I recently listened to the song We Wish You A Merry Christmas and was really taken back by the attitude that this prick had. I'll start from the beginning:

We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Ok, we're off to a good start. Well wishing, good manners, very nice.

Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.
WOW! Adding in my kin. This guy is all class!

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Sure, I want to be a good host. No problem.
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer
Alright, now he's taking liberties by expecting booze. I'll offer you what I have and I ask you to please be courteous.

We won't go until we get some;
We won't go until we get some;
We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here
Alright, Jackass! You went too far. I appreciate the well wishes, but now you are just being rude. Don't make me call the authorities, or force me to remove you physically. Is this really the type of neighborhood that I live in! GOD!

We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Too little, too late. Just get out!


John Lennon

Well today's the anniversary of John Lennon's death. Sales of Catcher in the Rye have never been better! Just kidding, it was a terrible loss. However, I feel his legend is probably far from the truth as far as the way he was as a person. Now from this point on I am probably not going to be winning many friends, but here it goes. This guy sang about no possessions but owned a Rolls Royce and lived in the entire top floor of the Dakota. In fact his first (and most talented) son has been left out of the fortune that John acquired. This does not sound like a man who held the courage of his convictions. I could go on, but not today.

Enough negative. This man is responsible for some of the best music that came out of the last century. Perhaps of all time. The loss of a man like this knows no bounds. Everybody should listen to Elton John's "Empty Garden" this weekend and reflect.

The Videos

2 videos for you guys. The Star Trek one contains foul language and shows Spock trying to violate Kirk. I thought it was funny.

The second one is another claymation video about the Adams Family. Enjoy.










That's all for today. Next time I'll try to be a little more cheery.

Later